Some days I wake up and just need to write. To get all my feelings out on paper, so that they're not trapped in my mind. And today, I decided to share them with you.
I don't think there's ever been another year when I've been so nervous to welcome Autumn. It may be a bit dramatic to say that the past month or so has been quite life changing. But that's in fact exactly how I feel. It seems that I'm not a fan of change. Whenever something rocks my world or I have to step foot into the unknown, I feel completely uncomfortable and scared in my own skin. I have to laugh because my entire life has always been about change. In these times I try to remind myself - great things never came from comfort zones.
When the air starts to bite at your skin and the breeze turns crisp and Fall steps in, all the world seems to turnover. New plans are made, new schedules are formed, and new routines take place. It happens without us even noticing. This year (for me) is very different than the rest. I'm moving again, but this time to DC, to a gorgeous apartment, with an amazing view, and three awesome roommates. I'm starting new work, on a new team. And more importantly, I'm moving on from a very long relationship that recently ended.
The latter has kept me in disarray and (quite honestly) sad the past month. For anyone who's "been there," you know how it feels. We're lucky enough to still care for each other and be very close friends, but nevertheless, it's just hard. Sometimes things just don't work out or the timing is bad, and while our hearts may not agree in the moment, we must understand it, accept it, and begin again.
Sometimes, when we think we have it all and everything is ok, life happens. And not easily to admit, I'm very afraid. I'm afraid of being on my own. I'm afraid of starting new, unfamiliar work. I'm afraid of being intimidated. I'm afraid of moving to a new place. I'm afraid of supporting myself again. I'm afraid of being emotional. I'm afraid of crying too much. I'm afraid of smiling too much. I'm afraid of holding on. I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid of being stuck. I'm afraid of moving forward.
This (dare I say tender) age of 24 involves so many adjustments and transitions. And it can be terrifying. But I am extremely grateful for where I stand in this world and the woman that I'm becoming. And I think that as long as I keep reminding myself of who I am and who I want to be, everything will fall into place.
Each morning the last few weeks, I've woken up and prayed. I've counted my blessings and the things I'm grateful for. Literally - I write them down if I need to. When we sit back and look at all the things we have rather than the things we've lost, or look at all the positives rather than the negatives - life isn't so bad. I read the other day that "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I've been reminding myself of this anytime my thoughts go south. I remember to focus on all the amazing things that happen with change. The new beginnings, the new friendships, the new opportunities that can come, and will come, from it.
I don't know what the future holds, but I have hope that things will work out as they're meant to. And while I'm still fighting change in my heart, my mind is there and ready to embrace it- and I'm hoping the rest of me will catch up soon. And then all the sudden, one day I'll wake up smiling and all will be well with my world once more. So here's to the first day of Fall, a brand new season. Here's to bittersweet endings and bittersweet beginnings. Here's to falling apart and finding yourself again. Here's to change. Here's to life starting over.